things you didn't know about England!
by MorganicOrganic
Summary: pretty obvious from the title. one shots about our favourite brit and stuff you didn't know about him. Fluff, Swearing and violence, come on its england and Hetalia. i am actually a brit so this should be very accurate!
1. Chapter 1

**Who knew the old man was so Agile?**

 **No pov**

"Dudes this surprise party is gonna be awesome! HAHA I wonder if it'll give him a heart attack?!" Exclaimed a hyperactive American that someone for some reason was given sugar (seriously WHY, WHO would think that was a good idea?) to the rest of the nations at the party, putting finishing touches on the food and decorations.

They'd even managed to get all of the Brit's ex-colonies to come wish him a happy birthday, which was a surprise in its own right. Italy was whimpering by the food table at the lack of pasta and the Large amounts of English food that was cooked, from Bangers & Mash to Crumpets to Shepard's pie and good old Fish and Chips. "Just be glad England didn't make it himself, and we got professionals to make them" explained an exasperated Germany not adding the fact they were made by English cooks…

Down the hall from the party with England and the Frog

"Shut up you bloody Frog I'll prove to you one day soon that magic is real!" grumbled the Birthday Man as he argued with his old time rival whose job had been to distract the Brit, safe to say it wasn't the hardest thing to do, especially when your frenemies. Walking up to the Meeting hall the Frenchman allowed a smirk to cover his face waiting for the priceless expression on the Brits face.

"SURPRISE" the whole congregation shouted as the door was opening, however they didn't expect England to do what he did next…

The first thing he did was punch the still smirking Frenchman in the face from long ingrained reflexes.

He then proceeded to use the floored Frenchman who was moaning about his beauty (unsurprisingly the narcissistic twit) being ruined as a springboard to propel himself into the air, landing on an equally surprised America. Before flipping onto hid twin Canada (which made it look like he was floating as somehow no one noticed him before jumping person to person knocking them down as he went until he went to jump on Prussia who was ready for it now but not for the dive kick England would aim at the Ex-nation knocking him into a wall with the force of the kick.

Landing gently on his feet like a cat would the surprised Brit calmed himself and looked at what he'd done on reflex to half the nations and immediately blushed at his actions before mumbling embarrassedly "Hehe…sorry about that mates. Its reflexes from when I was younger." He said rubbing the back of his neck. " . AWESOME DUDE! HOW CAN YOU EVEN DO THAT? YOURE AN OLD MAN" shouted an awe-struck American getting a few nods in agreement from some other nations, mostly his old colonies. Angered by the 'old' statement the Brit exploded and began to attack the American with surprising strength and skill.

Happy the situation had been fixed he walked toward the food and took a bit of everything before getting a cup of Chamomile tea to calm himself down and help enjoy the great food.

As England got his food all the nations just stared at the unconscious American, deciding to never call England old.

 **An; is it bad I struggled to think of British meals, though I'm one myself?**


	2. yandere football fan

**Football.**

NEVER and I mean NEVER insult football when around England (or any of his brothers), for you will regret for the rest of your days. Why do you think so many countries are afraid of him? Not for him being an empire or pirate, but because of his love and pride of football and the rage-fuelled man he becomes whenever there is football on.

America insulted football once and this was what followed…

"I'm just saying dude; you've gotten football completely wrong. You're supposed to pick up the ball and run not kick it." The loud America exclaimed as they were sat in a boring meeting as Greece droned on about money as he tried to stay asleep. However as soon as the statement came out the Yanks mouth the whole room went silent, everyone staring at the Brit sat next to him murmuring "Well it was good to know him" and as America looked at England he saw that he was slowly getting red in the face and actually shaking with anger (not that America noticed as he can't sense the atmosphere for crap) and put a huge grin on his face ignoring the looks of shock on the other nations faces.

"So. You think that we don't do football correctly?" came the calmly deceptive voice of England. Turning to face the soon-to-be-dead nation he looked at him with pure hatred in those emerald depths, "Well then. Would you like me to show you what I think of your football?" by now the oblivious yank was starting to regret his statement, the aura coming off his Ex-Caretaker being scarier and more potent than Russia's so it was now noticed by him. "Uuuum Iggy I think you should calm down man" he stuttered nervously now out of his chair and backing up away from the enraged brit. "He he he now. Why would I do that?" the insane laugh (Think England's 2p) genuinely scaring the American, not helped with the accent slipping from its normal upper-class to Scouse making the American start to shake in his boots. Conjuring a rugby ball (come on its basically an American 'football') he stalked toward the trembling American who by now was backed up against the wall, "Open wide ya Bastard" England ordered, now in full scouse mode holding the ball up he leant over the terrified Yank who screamed in terror, causing the other nations to cringe and stay in their seats not wanting to get involved. "Thanks. Now. This. Is. What. I. think. Of. Your 'football' bastard" and with each pause of his statement he shoved the ball down the America's throat smiling eerily, maybe even happily as he wedged the ball all the way down.

Turning away from the unconscious and nearly dead America England siled pleasantly and asked "Anyone else want to insult my sport?" que overwhelming silence "Good because next time I won't be so forgiving. Now there should be a Man United match on soon so I'll see you lot later!" he shouted before walking out almost giddily.

"This little Amerique Is why we do not insult Football in Angleterre's presence" he explained as he began the hard task of removing the rugby ball with Canada, Germany and Spain's help, it was very well lodged in there to say the least.

And that is why you don't insult football folks!

 **AN; I didn't mean to make this dark I swear but it could be a possible reaction? Sorry for this! Next up Good Cook!**


	3. Great British Bake Off

**.Cook!**

 _(You had an awesome childhood if you get that reference)_

It may come as a surprise to most nations but England is actually a pretty good cook, how else would his colonies have survived? He just can't handle the peer pressure from certain countries *cough*France*cough*.

Singing along to We Are the Champions by Queen (he had all their songs, what Brit doesn't know/love Queen?) England smiled to himself as he pulled out the cupcakes he had put in the oven half an hour and saw that they were a perfect golden colour and as he broke one up he saw that it was perfectly crumbly and soft on the inside as it should be, and even better No Soggy Bottom _(British Bake Off)._ Setting them down on the rack so they would cool he got the ingredients out to make the icing and decorations, he was not one of those people who bought ready-made icing and decorations thank you very much. Once he'd made his icing; Blue, White and red he carefully spread it across the cooled cupcakes making sure not to put too much icing on them. Stamping his foot to the beat as We Will Rock You came on he begun to heat sugar to make the caramel decorations he planned to put on the cakes.

Just as he was putting the finishing touches on the caramel, he heard someone knocking on the door. Sighing he wiped his hands on his Apron and went to open the door "What do you want?" he asked resignedly as he saw the congregation on his front step. "Iggy dude! I could smell your awesome cooking from miles away! I just followed my nose!" exclaimed the excited American, pinching the bridge of my nose I allowed him, France, Canada (Yes I can see him) and terrified Italy, who had been visiting his big brother. Walking them to my living room I left them to entertain themselves whilst I made some tea and finished off the cakes. Walking back in I saw them all, bar America and Canada stare at the cupcakes as though they were going to attack or poison them (Thankfully I'm not Oliver then I'd be worried).

America and Canada grabbed the cupcakes and happily dug in nearly moaning at the amazing taste of England's cooking, seeing the twin's (Maybe just America's) reaction to the food the others began sceptically taking a cake and nibbling at it, getting annoyed I demanded "Just bloody eat the things, they won't kill you, you idiots how else did you think my colonies survived?" and with that statement they took bigger bites and all gained a surprised look on their face before they ate the whole thing and asked for seconds. "Angleterre, how come you cook so well? Or did you ask a proffessional chef to make it?" asked the Frenchman confused as he had no idea his life-long Frenemy could cook, especially with the rumour going around about it. "You bastard Frog, as if I'd have gotten a chef to make them, I made them myself or do you forget you used to enjoy my cooking when we took turns looking after the twins" the Gentlemen snarled back in response.

To try and get rid of the tension Italy looked toward England, now realising he wasn't as scary as he sounded or looked and asked "Ve-then how come when I was prisoner the food was nasty? It was disgusting!" turning to look (glower) at the Italian the Brit replied "Rations you twit, we didn't have the ingredients to make good food and what we did get was all we had, believe me if we'd had better ingredients I'd have made healthy Roast Dinners when possible. It's good for the spirit and helps cheer the men up" and looked oddly proud of himself and his cooking. "Now if you're finished please get out I have to make a start on my tea" I stated as I practically pushed them back out the front door saying a quick Goodbye as I did.

 **AN; dunno if that turned out like I wanted but still.**

 **Next! I think it will either be England proving magic exists or him being a good carer for the chibified nations. Laters!**


	4. Teeth

I know I've been dead for the past few months and I apologise, revision killed me all my fics should be updated soon they're all half done at the moment and should be live soon!

Teeth

Unlike what a lot of countries think brits really don't have bad teeth

England Pov

After a visit to my local dentist where I found my teeth were in perfect condition, as they had always been since dentistry had become a popular practice, making sure no one would be walking around with teeth missing like in the medieval ages. I found myself unable to stop grinning happily as I walked down the road to where I'd parked antique car driving to the local G8 meeting that wasn't too far away.

As I walked into the room smiling it dropped off my face as I saw the weird look everyone was giving me, is it really that weird of a thing to see me smiling? Sitting down in my allocated seat in between America and the Frog(again) they both turned to question Me, simultaneously asking "since when do you have nice teeth or ssmile?!" sighing at the sheer idiocy of the duo sat by me I replied a monotone voice "Since the idea of dentistry was created, unlike you two idiots that force your people to pay for health care" smiling at the open mouthed shocked expressions of the two I concentrated whatever Germany was trying to explain.

The two idiots Regained the ability to speak just as we took a break from the meeting America I'm my face asking where my wonky black teeth wore, clenching my jaw I turned round to him a delivered a nasty right hook knocking some of those perfect teeth put of his stupid face .


End file.
